Too many puns, not enough title space…

I often think I ought to write down some of the odd things that happen to me at Farmers Weekly so I can make a sitcome one day.

There was the time I was chased by hormonal goats, the time Tim Relf booked us into a transvestites’ hotel for the YFC agm in Blackpool and the time an agricultural psychologist made me stand up in a Starbucks in Birmingham city centre with my arms outstretched pretending to be an oak tree.

But of all the odd things to happen to me, identifying guinea pig semen has to go to the top of the weird pops.

Yes, you read that right.

We rather like guinea pigs in FW Towers, especially since we learnt about a Peruvian festival where the little fellas are dressed in straw boaters and smocks (we gloss over the fact they’re eaten afterwards). But as much as we like them, I’m not sure any of us in the office wanted to get that close to guinea pig fluids.

Miss Deputy Livestock Editor was responsible for the sample – it turns out her guinea pig, Wilbur, has been getting a little too over-friendly with her bunny, Baxter. Here’s a photo of Wilbur in more innocent times:


As this was the second time it had happened – and Miss Deputy Livestock Editor couldn’t believe Wilbur would’ve made the same mistake twice – she brought a sample of the stuff with her for identification. Wrapped in clingfilm. In her coat pocket.

Goodness only knows why she thought any of us would be experts in semen identification. Did she think we’d be like those drugs officers in trashy US crime shows who dip their fingers in white substances, lick their fingers and say: “Aha, it’s cocaine mixed with dishwasher salt and rat poison”?

Anyhow, it turns out we are experts in Google searches, and we discovered the substance’s identity thanks to a rather graphic description on a guinea pig-keepers’ website.

Miss Deputy Livestock Editor is now considering whether to get a new friend for Wilbur to try to distract him from Baxter. Personally, I’d rather fire up the barbecue and have ourselves our own Peruvian festival…

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